Beginners guide on how to be a good girlfriend.

To all the single girls out there I would like to share what can you do be a girlfriend material. Yeah, the kind to whom boys fall easily. Most of these points have been deduced by observing common characteristics of ‘girlfriends’ I have known. Any similarity to the person reading this bullshit is effing coincidental.

1. Let him know you are interested
Asking him for a coffee or movie is an old way. Hit that like button under any pic which has him and favorite his lame tweets. Don’t forget to poke him between raping those like and favorite buttons.

2. Get his attention
No matter how bad your face looks, always try to get your best side clicked with a duck face and post it as your profile picture. That is not enough, you have to beg your mutual friends to like and comment on that pict till it fills his facebook wall like spam.

3. Sharing is caring
Don’t forget to share every forwarded message you receive from your friends, especially those sweet messages with lot of hearts. < 3 (though it looks more like junk than a heart)

4. Act stupid
Believe it or not, boys like girls who act stupid. Look at Penny from The Big Bang Theory !! Ask his help for minor cell phone glitches, to fix your laptop or an irrelevant banal doubt.

5. Sense of his humour
Make him feel that he got a good sense of humour by laughing at whatever crappy jokes he is trying to crack . Just don’t let him know that you are doing it purpose and you don’t laugh in any serious issue.

6. Birthdays
On his birthday take treat in a posh restaurant. While your birthday is few months away keep talking about that another classy lounge you always wanted to visit. So, that he gets the hint and is compelled to take you there as surprise treat.

7. Be an emo
Cry after a fight over not saying proper good night after two hours of call and make a scene when he replies to a message late. Send him pinching texts like “I did that and this .. Blah blah .. And, this is how you treat me..” Etc.

8. PDA (Public display of affection) 
Hugs and kisses are quite unacceptable in Indian society. So, what is important is hold his hand all the time in public, except when you using the toilet.

9. Check-in at posh places
You may visit local salon or restaurant, but when you visit a spa or star hotel post it on your facebook that you guys are there together and make him feel good. While the actual intention is to show it off to your girlfriends.

10. Attack his wall
When you are away for more than 12hours from him, post “miss you honey ” or on a vocation start counting days to go until you meet him on Facebook. Let the world know how many hours or day you are away from him.

11. Be angry at silly things ūüėÄ
Yeah! This is very important. If you ain’t angry over certain things like he can’t meet over a lunch due to office work or he keeps you waiting for 10 minute due to heavy traffic, be very angry. No, don’t pardon him remembering all the bills he payed and the times you made him wait for hours outside your home.

12. Tag him

Tag him in every photo of yours even if he is not there. Cut Copy Pasted heart touching poem and tag him. Upload a forwarded good morning photo you received on whatsapp and tag him. Just tag him.

13. VDA (Virtual Display of Affection)

Comment, mention, like, favorite, retweet whatever shit he posts on Facebook or twitter. This is really important even if you are sharing your bed while you do that. It indirectly screams that you are his girlfriend¬† and sends out signals to his female fans to take a back seat. It may account to stalking him nut that’s alright.

Being a carefree and letting go kinda cool  girl who treats all boys the same way, you have 90% chance of being friend zoned. How much ever boys may deny they want their girl to act little stupid and be mad at them which makes them feel cared and secure. So, keep these points to charm your crush and move out of friend zone.

PS: If you don’t and can’t do any of this shit. Then you are just a marriage material. ūüėČ

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An open letter to the girlfriend from his sister

Dear Girlfriend,

The reason for writing this letter is upcoming mass phenomenon called Valentine’s Day and I can imagine you expecting big surprise or beautiful gift from your boyfriend. If you get what you wanted or never wanted or even if he attempts to do something as a part of that day, be very much thankful. If not, do something special for him yourself, that’s all. Let me warn about the gifts. If its a dress it will not to fit you or be of a color which you don’t like. Get it exchanged asap.

I saw him grow up, trying hard and craving to have that ‘Me time'(I don’t know whats is the hype with this, but some boys are very particular about it).¬†He had reservations about hanging out with friends and ¬†not letting us into his room. His friend circle and his interests grew to clinch the little part of the day he would spend with us. Our family was little worried initially, but we gradually understood his need for privacy and independence. He was missed by our family at dinner table and would skip family get togethers sighting reasons like projects, seminars, college fests etc. ¬†Sometimes, he would make up for those lost times with occasional surprises, which had nothing to do with our birthdays or anniversaries. The timing of the surprises were as random as his mood. Mostly it would be a pizza order or a take away and occasional gifts which were mostly gadgets, the reason I got more gadgets than teddy bears.

 Let me I assure you, he is not the kind of typical boy one sees on romantic movies, any similarities to that character are completely coincidental and even if it is is real it may not last long. Expectations of him to be like one of them may bring disappoint. My mother and me had to remind him of upcoming birthdays in the family, so that he could wish them and buy a gift before the midnight of their birthday. So, you should get used to be his backup to remind him of your and your families birthdays and anniversaries and do the needful.

¬†The only times I spent with him after we grew up was during his dinner, as the rest of us would be done with it and I had to serve food to him.¬†But, we will always cherish those family outings and trip with him in our school days and the games we played as kids. The last trip was over 5 years back and we try to compensate with a family dinner outside if time permits during his visit these day. Now, you got the reason to value the time you get to spend together over a cup of coffee, dinner, movie apart from the calls he makes between his busy work just because he cares for you.¬†You should ¬†be happy that he is sharing his life, joy and his precious ‘Me’ time with you, and the same applies to him.

Coming to the Valentines day, it is just another day, or rather much hyped for commercial purpose. One doesn’t need a special day to show how much one loves him/her. If one forgets to wish and gift ones mother of mother’s day, will it make them a bad child? No! The same applies to valentines day. Simple. ¬†Also, the gifts and efforts one puts in on valentines day should not measure how much one loves. I assure you it is actually the time one gives you ¬†which reflect their love more than anything else. Cherish every moment wholeheartedly, than wait for that one day of the year to express the so called unconditional love.

Yours,

His sister.

PS: This is crap. Well, I don’t know what it is like to be a girlfriend and don’t take my words seriously. A gift for any reason is a must.

PPS: To demanding boyfriends, gift her so much that she never says No;)

Betrayal

My jaw betrayed my self-proclaimed sapiosexual inner self and mind, as it dropped at at the sight of shirtless hunk flaunting his sexy abs with Greek looks. That was just the beginning until I found out he didn’t know how much is a mile in kilometers. I pushed my jaw up and took a breath.
Do you know how much is a mile in kilometer? Or Did you google it? Anyway know it, than be caught staring stupidly like that boy and make me feel awkward !
Bye.

Introspection

Sometimes people like you for the way you appear.
Yet, sometimes they don’t like you for the way you appear.

Only those who look beyond your appearance can understand you and touch your heart.
Only those who look beyond the scars can feel your flawless love.
Only those who look beyond the strong outlook can see the wreck inside of you.

But, I have confined myself to an impenetrable glass bubble
Now, what they can see is how I appear
What they can see is what I want them to see.

Faking the smile, faking the confidence
Faking the ‘I don’t give a damn’ attitude
And faking what I am not.
I have become a person whom they love,
I have become a person whom they appreciate.

Meantime, I have grown to like what I fake.
It’s natural to like what I have been doing for long time, or was it compulsion?
If not how could I fake the happiness? others seemed happy too.
Appearance can be faked, happiness can be faked but not the contentment.

I ask myself, am I content? My voice echoes in the void.
Whenever I introspect, that void seems to appear from nowhere.
Why there is void ? May be I have to find something fill the void.
Is the search for that something is called life?
I don’t know, at the end of that day it appears like I don’t know much about life.

May be I know or may be not.
I can not stop and dwell in this quest of introspection for long.
It may take eternity to get the answer or may be there isn’t one.
Then my instincts say – don’t stop and keep moving.

The flow is life,
The vitality is life,
The urge to know or do is life.
I stopped to find the answers
But, the answer is “not to stop”.

Breathe.

Being me and being doctor.

Like every other person, I would like to leave behind my professional-self once I leave my office (yes, I prefer to call hospital as office for professional touch). You may ask why you make a big deal out of it. Well, when I am not playing doctor I want to be myself.

I am a nagging crazy friend, stupid sister, pampered daughter, a never-seem-to-grow-up-kinda-kid and at last just I, me and myself. Despite these, I am serious doctor when it comes to managing patients health condition. I have drawn the line between my personal and professional life. But, it’s seems to fading gradually thanks to relatives, neighbors and so called family friends. These are few situation outside hospital where I am perplexed whether to be my normal self or a doctor.

Relatives asking medical advice:

Well ethically a doctor should not be treating his family or close relatives. Well that doesn’t hold good in India, does it? On an average 3-4 calls per week from my relatives and friends asking treatment for common cold or hemorrhoids or lump in breast. The regular me wants to tell them that the symptoms could suggest anything benign condition to grave conditions like cancer. But, a concerned doctor in me spends an hour or more convincing them to see a doctor in person for better diagnosis and treatment. ¬†Nowadays, my internet savvy relatives come with a list of diagnosis for their complaint and call me up to get clarification that they are not suffering from the gravest conditions in the list. I so want to shove their head in the LAN port and spank their smart ass but a polite doctor in me patiently explains them to ally their anxiety.

Eating out:

By society norms, I am a doctor and I should be very health conscious, eating healthy food and exercising regularly. God!! give me a break, that sounds so saint-ish (this is going to be declared word of the year like ‘Selfie’ someday). I hate those glares and questioning look from my aunts, cousins and some friends every time I order Dominos double cheese burst pizza or butter-naan with paneer-butter-masala. I am like,¬†I have functioning taste buds that need to be satisfied with occasional indulgences, so please excuse me.¬†These kinda reactions have a taken a toll on my craving for high fat diet. Now, I take caution to order dishes with less % of fat to enact as a good Doctor in front of people, who see me more as a doctor than friend or family. But, whenever I advice on cutting calories especially those obese aunts/uncle, they say “This doctor will advice against eating anything and let us starve. LOL”.¬†Seriously! I dont get it.

Not keeping up with my circadian rhythm:

Though a doctor emphasis on importance of eating at right time, early-to-bed-early-to-rise policy and not to be stressed, he/she is the last one to follow these advice. I sleep at odd ours and get up very late when I have a day off, so my eating schedules are equally disrupted and my stress shows up as under eye bags all the time. That is something as normal as pissing for we doctors. But, others blame my lack of regular naps and food intake for my pitiable avatar. I am in position to explain them about the poisoning case I attended the previous night which kept me up till 7 in the morning and I so want to pull my hair. But, I simply smile and say ‘I had a busy and tiring night duty. So, I skipped my breakfast and overslept.’

That moment when I am introduced as A Doctor: 

I don’t know about other doctors how they feel or were made to feel, but there have been times I dread, inwardly, being introduced as a doctor; specially at weddings. Thanks to the extra attention, raised ¬†eyebrows and awkward on the spot marriage proposal of their son/nephew/son-of-a-friend who is a doctor etc, I have received. I do love the extra recognition and respect I get vowing to being a doctor but, that should not stop me from being me right? Recently, I attended a function held in our locality and I bumped into a lady, a family friend, whom I met after few years. I laughed and spoke to her as I used to before with same warmth and affection. Suddenly, she remarked that I have become doctor but I still talk so casually. I was taken aback. I have been a chatter box and I laugh out loud since I am a kid. I know this lady from my school days and she expects me to be serious and talk less just because I am a doctor. This instance made me realize why most doctor choose to be contained- in spite of being jovial with those from medical fraternity- with non-medicos. It in not that they have changed but people expect them to.

Non-Medical friends:

I have more non-medical friends than medical friends who are quite close to me. I have been good at maths, quite good with knowledge about gadgets and keep myself updated with recent technological advances. While discussing with my non-medical friends, especially some tech-related stuff, if I say I am aware of the gadget they will be surprised and ask how do I get time to read  something outside my medical books. I have to remind them that I was into gadgets way before I entered med-school.

First encounter with non-medicos:

Most refrain from dwelling into my medical life but some take all the liberty to dwell into the depth of it. There are certain cliched question which every medical student or doctor is fed up of answering and most FAQ are :

They:Dissecting dead bodies(I want correct them saying ‘Cadaver’ then I stop myself) ¬†must be awful right ?

Me: Aunty(we Indians address any elderly female as aunty), it was only during 1st year. Fainting episodes are highly exaggerated and happen more commonly in movies than in reality.

They: Ayyo look at those huge books. There is so much to study-na ?

Me: These are my medicine books only and the rest are here. *I point at the stack of books filling my shelf*

They: O_0 So, Which specialization are you doing ?

Me:  I am doing MBBS and it is a  Bachelor degree in medicine. Masters and specialization will happen later.

They: Oh, then what specialization you want to do?

Me: Internal Medicine or Pediatrics.

They: You mean Physician?? ¬†why don’t you become gynecologist? I will come to you only and it is good for girls too.

Me: (that is why I am not becoming one) No, I am interested in Internal Medicine.

They: You know what my husband’s-brother’s-wife’s-sister’s nephew is doing medical in XYZ medical, in ABC place. He was a topper in his 12th

Me: Oh great. ¬†(I hope his parents don’t badger him to score 90% marks in ¬†MBBS exams and get used to 60’s or even settle for a pass )

They: Finish your exams and become a specialist doctor ASAP. We will come to you for treatment.

Me: I hope you don’t get ill in first place aunty.

These are my testing times and they test my patience the most. Well, there have been countless number of social interactions when I get confused of whether to be myself or a DOCTOR . But, both aspects get so mixed up that I just try to handle such awkward situation without making it more awkward.

True Story: ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST

For a while my phone touch screen was malfunctioning . I mean, I tap on one app and some other app opens, it went so crazy ! I was not able to open whatsapp and locate anybody’s contact no. !! I panicked thinking my phone got corrupted.

I could not even switch my phone off. I still managed to do so and nothing was set right once I switched on the phone. The touch screen still acted crazy. LIKE IT WAS possessed or something . I was not able to type or browse. I did one thing but my phone executed something else. I , For example, touched an app in lower row and an app in upper row would open. Menu button would not work etc.,

I wondered what went wrong?? Did I receive a malware while sharing files with my friends or from my laptop?? And then it flashed what I did just few minutes before my phone got corrupt. ¬†I had recorded an hour long Pappu’s speech on my phone’s voice recorder. (I know I must be crazy)

It was too much for my ‘poor’ phone as its ‘state of mind’ was not right you see. As I bought my iPhone in India, on hearing Pappu’s speech it automatically new iCongress_2004_2014 OS which is corrupt. See that is the problem.

After deleting Pappu’s speech and updating iNaMo_for_2014 my iPhone. It’s just working fine and even better. My friend who is an expert at phones said that if the corrupt OS was not removed any sooner, my phone would have stop working .

As my phone was smart(I mean smart phone) it withstood for some time. Regular cellphone, low end models, china phone etc., with low IQ power of their OS will get corrupted easily. So, it is essential to upgrade the OS of these phones in order to curtail spread of the corrupt OS through Pappu’s speeches in future.

Further studies have shown that if Pappu’s speech can have so much of harmful impact on a phone, it surely is going to affect human brain in worst possible way. So, the researchers have urged people of India to refrain themselves from listening to Pappu’s speech.

Kindly share this serious (see, no smileys) and important information with your friends, family and even those unknown people in your friends on FB and followers on twitter.

PS: those who don’t know who Pappu and NaMo from Indian politics. Kindly Google it out. Congress like in any political party in India notorious for corruption, but it has set a touchstone which will intimidate any other party.