Introspection

Sometimes people like you for the way you appear.
Yet, sometimes they don’t like you for the way you appear.

Only those who look beyond your appearance can understand you and touch your heart.
Only those who look beyond the scars can feel your flawless love.
Only those who look beyond the strong outlook can see the wreck inside of you.

But, I have confined myself to an impenetrable glass bubble
Now, what they can see is how I appear
What they can see is what I want them to see.

Faking the smile, faking the confidence
Faking the ‘I don’t give a damn’ attitude
And faking what I am not.
I have become a person whom they love,
I have become a person whom they appreciate.

Meantime, I have grown to like what I fake.
It’s natural to like what I have been doing for long time, or was it compulsion?
If not how could I fake the happiness? others seemed happy too.
Appearance can be faked, happiness can be faked but not the contentment.

I ask myself, am I content? My voice echoes in the void.
Whenever I introspect, that void seems to appear from nowhere.
Why there is void ? May be I have to find something fill the void.
Is the search for that something is called life?
I don’t know, at the end of that day it appears like I don’t know much about life.

May be I know or may be not.
I can not stop and dwell in this quest of introspection for long.
It may take eternity to get the answer or may be there isn’t one.
Then my instincts say – don’t stop and keep moving.

The flow is life,
The vitality is life,
The urge to know or do is life.
I stopped to find the answers
But, the answer is “not to stop”.

Breathe.

Being me and being doctor.

Like every other person, I would like to leave behind my professional-self once I leave my office (yes, I prefer to call hospital as office for professional touch). You may ask why you make a big deal out of it. Well, when I am not playing doctor I want to be myself.

I am a nagging crazy friend, stupid sister, pampered daughter, a never-seem-to-grow-up-kinda-kid and at last just I, me and myself. Despite these, I am serious doctor when it comes to managing patients health condition. I have drawn the line between my personal and professional life. But, it’s seems to fading gradually thanks to relatives, neighbors and so called family friends. These are few situation outside hospital where I am perplexed whether to be my normal self or a doctor.

Relatives asking medical advice:

Well ethically a doctor should not be treating his family or close relatives. Well that doesn’t hold good in India, does it? On an average 3-4 calls per week from my relatives and friends asking treatment for common cold or hemorrhoids or lump in breast. The regular me wants to tell them that the symptoms could suggest anything benign condition to grave conditions like cancer. But, a concerned doctor in me spends an hour or more convincing them to see a doctor in person for better diagnosis and treatment.  Nowadays, my internet savvy relatives come with a list of diagnosis for their complaint and call me up to get clarification that they are not suffering from the gravest conditions in the list. I so want to shove their head in the LAN port and spank their smart ass but a polite doctor in me patiently explains them to ally their anxiety.

Eating out:

By society norms, I am a doctor and I should be very health conscious, eating healthy food and exercising regularly. God!! give me a break, that sounds so saint-ish (this is going to be declared word of the year like ‘Selfie’ someday). I hate those glares and questioning look from my aunts, cousins and some friends every time I order Dominos double cheese burst pizza or butter-naan with paneer-butter-masala. I am like, I have functioning taste buds that need to be satisfied with occasional indulgences, so please excuse me. These kinda reactions have a taken a toll on my craving for high fat diet. Now, I take caution to order dishes with less % of fat to enact as a good Doctor in front of people, who see me more as a doctor than friend or family. But, whenever I advice on cutting calories especially those obese aunts/uncle, they say “This doctor will advice against eating anything and let us starve. LOL”. Seriously! I dont get it.

Not keeping up with my circadian rhythm:

Though a doctor emphasis on importance of eating at right time, early-to-bed-early-to-rise policy and not to be stressed, he/she is the last one to follow these advice. I sleep at odd ours and get up very late when I have a day off, so my eating schedules are equally disrupted and my stress shows up as under eye bags all the time. That is something as normal as pissing for we doctors. But, others blame my lack of regular naps and food intake for my pitiable avatar. I am in position to explain them about the poisoning case I attended the previous night which kept me up till 7 in the morning and I so want to pull my hair. But, I simply smile and say ‘I had a busy and tiring night duty. So, I skipped my breakfast and overslept.’

That moment when I am introduced as A Doctor: 

I don’t know about other doctors how they feel or were made to feel, but there have been times I dread, inwardly, being introduced as a doctor; specially at weddings. Thanks to the extra attention, raised  eyebrows and awkward on the spot marriage proposal of their son/nephew/son-of-a-friend who is a doctor etc, I have received. I do love the extra recognition and respect I get vowing to being a doctor but, that should not stop me from being me right? Recently, I attended a function held in our locality and I bumped into a lady, a family friend, whom I met after few years. I laughed and spoke to her as I used to before with same warmth and affection. Suddenly, she remarked that I have become doctor but I still talk so casually. I was taken aback. I have been a chatter box and I laugh out loud since I am a kid. I know this lady from my school days and she expects me to be serious and talk less just because I am a doctor. This instance made me realize why most doctor choose to be contained- in spite of being jovial with those from medical fraternity- with non-medicos. It in not that they have changed but people expect them to.

Non-Medical friends:

I have more non-medical friends than medical friends who are quite close to me. I have been good at maths, quite good with knowledge about gadgets and keep myself updated with recent technological advances. While discussing with my non-medical friends, especially some tech-related stuff, if I say I am aware of the gadget they will be surprised and ask how do I get time to read  something outside my medical books. I have to remind them that I was into gadgets way before I entered med-school.

First encounter with non-medicos:

Most refrain from dwelling into my medical life but some take all the liberty to dwell into the depth of it. There are certain cliched question which every medical student or doctor is fed up of answering and most FAQ are :

They:Dissecting dead bodies(I want correct them saying ‘Cadaver’ then I stop myself)  must be awful right ?

Me: Aunty(we Indians address any elderly female as aunty), it was only during 1st year. Fainting episodes are highly exaggerated and happen more commonly in movies than in reality.

They: Ayyo look at those huge books. There is so much to study-na ?

Me: These are my medicine books only and the rest are here. *I point at the stack of books filling my shelf*

They: O_0 So, Which specialization are you doing ?

Me:  I am doing MBBS and it is a  Bachelor degree in medicine. Masters and specialization will happen later.

They: Oh, then what specialization you want to do?

Me: Internal Medicine or Pediatrics.

They: You mean Physician??  why don’t you become gynecologist? I will come to you only and it is good for girls too.

Me: (that is why I am not becoming one) No, I am interested in Internal Medicine.

They: You know what my husband’s-brother’s-wife’s-sister’s nephew is doing medical in XYZ medical, in ABC place. He was a topper in his 12th

Me: Oh great.  (I hope his parents don’t badger him to score 90% marks in  MBBS exams and get used to 60’s or even settle for a pass )

They: Finish your exams and become a specialist doctor ASAP. We will come to you for treatment.

Me: I hope you don’t get ill in first place aunty.

These are my testing times and they test my patience the most. Well, there have been countless number of social interactions when I get confused of whether to be myself or a DOCTOR . But, both aspects get so mixed up that I just try to handle such awkward situation without making it more awkward.